Domestic Dispute: Round 1

Editor’s note: Justin and Amanda are my friends. Justin lives in LA, where he is a waiter/writer/cliché, but he’s from SD. In his free time he takes pictures of his poop and reads books about Hitler. Amanda is his girlfriend and she’s from Berkeley and resides in SF. Unfortunately I don’t yet know Amanda as well. One thing is certain: These two disagree about burritos, but they agree that the other is just fabulous. These two, they keep it real, folks. Enjoy.

Dear Amanda,

Hey, baby. So Crawford asked if you and I could partake in a debate concerning the differences between San Francisco and San Diego burritos. First, let me say this, I don’t hold it against you that you feel San Francisco burritos are superior. It’s sort of how a child, born in to a family of Ku Klux Klan members, has no choice but to adopt the idea that the white race is superior to other races. The child knows nothing else but the people and ideas that surround him and simply soaks up their racist beliefs. In your case, replace “Ku Klux Klan” with “San Francisco” and replace “white race” with “San Francisco Burritos.”

The problem with the SF burrito is that it’s a burrito made solely for profit. The primary goal of the burrito is to make as much money off of it as possible. Their plan is both genius and evil, and it comes in two parts.

1) Make the burrito large: Remember when you took me to that burrito place on 16th street because we we’re going to a seafood restaurant with your friends later, and I don’t eat seafood, so I had to eat dinner before we ate dinner? Well, I remember a guy in front of me in line, ordering a burrito that was so big, it looked like it had eaten two other burritos. Then when I commented on it’s size, the guy was like “you can’t even handle this burrito, bro.” First off, that guy doesn’t know what I can or cannot handle. Secondly, he was right, I couldn’t handle that burrito. No normal human being could. That burrito was “sorority girl who just got dumped, then got drunk and now it’s 1 in the morning and she’s hungry” huge. It was too huge. But for him, he thought: “what value I’m getting!” Which brings me to my point.

By making the burrito incredibly large, it gives the consumer the illusion that they are, in fact, getting a deal. People always think bigger means better. But look at Delta Burke. She was bigger, but I think we can all agree she certainly wasn’t better than any of the other members of designing women.

2) Cheap ass ingredients: So, you think you’ve gotten a good deal because you have such a large burrito in front of you, but SF burritos are filled with mostly what? That’s right, rice and beans. The two cheapest things you could possibly put in a burrito. If we look at what goes into a burrito, using standard supermarket prices, it breaks down like this:

Steak/carne asada: (cheap estimate) 2.49/ lb
Pinto beans, dry: 0.49/lb
Brown rice, dry: 0.20/lb
Fresh Salsa: 2.99/lb
Cheddar cheese: 13.00/lb

So, basically, a SF burrito is filled with the two cheapest ingredients available to a burrito. Therefore, even though it’s much larger than the San Diego Burrito, in reality, you’re getting far less in terms of your money.

Thus, the question becomes, would you rather have an incredibly large burrito filled with cheap ingredients, or a burrito filled with the pricier, more desirable ingredients that’s a tad smaller?

The above are just facts. I didn’t touch upon the way the carne asada is spiced and cooked in SF; your horrendous, rubber-esque tortillas; or even the ridiculous tinfoil you wrap around them. I simply stated indisputable facts.

By the way, I love you and look forward to seeing you this weekend.

Yours,
Justin